Duo's Bad Idea
by Lady Calliope
Summary: [oneshot] Duo Maxwell has always wanted to see what his friends really do behind closed doors...


Ohaiyo

Ohaiyo! Here's the first of many to come fics collaberated on by both Kit and Kat (aka the result of too much caffeine and not enough productive material for us). We hope you enjoy this little loony fic of ours. The other characters used in this story are respective property of their creators. Send all comments to [us][1]. Enjoy and thanks for reading! ^_^ 

Duo's (Bad) Idea 

The night was perfect. Not a cloud in the sky, no noises but the sound of the chirping crickets, and even the moon and stars seemed to shine brighter. It *was* the perfect night. And it was such a perfect night that Duo Maxwell was not about to let it pass him by. In light of this resolution, he tried to haul one of his friends outside with him. 

"Heero!" Duo's voice echoed through the house. 

No response. 

Duo tried again. "Heero!" 

Yet again, the house remained silent. 

_Okay, I'm going to try one last time_ Duo resolved. _Desperate times call for desperate measures._

"Hee-chan!" 

Now a new noise could be heard echoing throughout the house: the cold click of a gun cocking. 

"I thought I told you never to call me that," Heero fumed, his cold monotone growing ever angrier as he pointed the gun in Duo's face. 

Ignoring the gun, like he always did, Duo glomped onto Heero's arm. "Oi, there you are man. I was wondering if you wanted to go take a walk with me?" 

Heero replied in turn with the 'Yuy Glare of Death' TM. 

Duo promptly released his arm. 

"Okay, okay man. Forget I ever mentioned it," he sighed resignedly, and with that he walked away to find a new victim, er…friend. 

He just happened to bump into Trowa next. "Oi, Tro-chan, wanna take a walk with me?" he pleaded. 

Trowa, who was carrying a large overflowing basket of laundry, glanced at the Deathscythe pilot and back to his rather large bundle. 

"Duo I have some stuff to do," he replied in his usual emotionless voice. "Gomen nasai." 

" 's okay. Ja!" Duo returned and bounded down the hallway to find someone else. "Wu-chan!" Duo called out, peeking into the Chinese pilot's room where he was sitting in a plush chair reading silently. 

"Maxwell, I thought I told you not to call me that. My name is Wufei!" he roared indignantly. 

"Whatever, Fei. Listen, wanna take a walk with me? Give your eyes have a little rest from reading?" 

Wufei just glared like he was ready to use him for his next martial arts practice dummy. 

"Oh c'mon man!" Duo pleaded with him, becoming frustrated at the current situation. 

"Maxwell, listen to me, my name is Wufei. Say it with me, Wwwuuuufffeeeiiii," he responded sarcastically. 

"Ya know, Wuffie, I have another name too. It's Dddduuuooo," he rejoined, imitating Wufei. 

"Kisama," Wufei growled. 

"Ano… I guess you're not going to walk with me?" he laughed nervously. The next thing Duo knew he was dodging a flying book. 

After some extensive searching, Duo came across his buddy Quatre. _If there is one person I can count on, it's Quatre. He'll definately take a walk with me _Duo thought to himself. Quatre was sitting in his room at his desk with business papers scattered all over. "Hey Q, wanna take a walk with me?" Duo asked, smiling. 

Looking up from the papers he was pouring over, a look of regret crossed his face. "I just can't," he said picking up his teacup and taking a sip. "I've got to much to do right now," he explained, gesturing to the papers laying all around him. Duo pouted all the way back to his room. 

He was bored. Really bored. And a bored Duo was *never* a good thing. _What to do, what to do he_ thought despondently. 

"This sucks!" he yelled aloud in a frustrated tone. Then it hit him. He knew what he could do! Laughing wickedly, the 02 pilot declared to the empty room, "Yes, that will be fun." He leapt off his bed and began to put his plan into motion. 

About a half-hour later, he was ready as he stood on the roof of the house. Decked out in black leather pants, a long sleeved black shirt, black finger less gloves, and a black hat, Duo possessed the true look of a spy. He was holding a rope, which was tied to the roof, and secured it around his waist. He gave the rope a few good tugs to ensure its stability. 

"Lifeline, secure," he asserted. He stuck his index finger in his mouth, pulled it back out and held it up in the breezy air. "Wind, favorable." He then pounded his one fist against his chest. "Guts, steeled." 

Looking over the edge of the house, he almost laughed aloud. _This is the best idea_ he thought to himself._ I'll get to see what my fellow pilots really do when they're all alone._ He chuckled and leapt off the side of the house. 

Peering into the nearest window while hanging upside-down, his eyes landed on Heero. _Okay, I'll start off with spying on Heero and then I'll move on to the others. Oh yes, this will be an interesting night._

As Duo peered inside the room, he obsereved Heero bustling about with something in his hands and he was.... walking upside down?!?!?! _Oh yea, I'm upside down...this will be a little tricky..._

He continued to monitor his fellow pilot while dexterously turning himself right side up._ Much better._ Heero moved to his bed and plopped down on it, sprawling whatever he was carrying in his hands all over the bed. He laid down on his stomach, with his legs sticking in the air and his head resting on his palm. _Kind of odd...but not too weird._

Duo moved to see what Heero was so intensely reading on the bed. He silently opened the window , and listened in pure shocked astonishment as his suicidal, trigger-happy fellow Gundam pilot ranted on and on about....about the latest issue of Cosmopolitan?!? 

_That's...just damn scary..._thought Duo with a huge sweatdrop appearing on the back of his head with his eyes as wide as saucers. It took all his strength not to fall while struggling to restrain his laugh. 

He was about to leave when he noticed Heero flipping on the television. _I'm scared to ask._ He was just in time to see... 

...THE LATEST EPISODE OF SAILOR MOON S??!?! 

_This is too much...I'll never look at him the same way again..._he thought with a HUGE smile gleaming on his impish face. 

Deciding he had had enough of this room, he climbed up the rope and back onto the roof utilizing his almost inhuman strength. _Where to next?_ was his only thought. After what he had just seen, he decided to visit someone's room whom he knew had to be at least *somewhat* dignified behind closed doors. Of course, it was obvious! 

Lowering himself down once again, but turning right side up before he got a headache, he glanced into the Chinese pilot's room. _Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever really seen what Wu-man's room looks like. He always has those scrolls up all over the place..._

Peering in closer, Duo caught a glimpse of something on the wall that made him reconsider whether this was the best place to go. 

Pink paint. 

"Oh my god, Wufei has pink wallpaper in his room!" he silently exclaimed. It was surprising to say the least. He nearly blew his cover since he was laughing so hard. 

Just as he thought it couldn't possibly get any weirder, Wufei came out of the bathroom in pink pajamas complete with the little footies and all. And to top off the ensemble, across the front of the pajamas was the infamous Barbie logo. 

Duo was laughing so hard at this point that he began crying. He was laughing so hard he accidentally released the rope he was holding onto to keep him right side up. As a result, he swung upside-down and made rough contact with the side of the house. "Ouch..." he moaned, rubbing his head. 

Luckily, Wufei didn't hear Duo smack into the wall since he had popped in his videotape of Mulan and was laying across the bed. He was getting really into singing along with the current song; something about 'Be a Man'. This just sent Duo into a bigger fit of convulsive laughter. _I think…that's all my stomach can handle for now._

Pulling himself back up onto the roof, he decided to check in on Quatre. There really shouldn't be any surprises there since all the Sandrock pilot was doing was paper work. So, again swinging down off the top of the roof and positioning himself so he wasn't hanging upside-down, he peered into Quatre's room. 

_Thank God I have at least one normal friend_ he thought thankfully as he looked into Quatre's room, discovering his fellow pilot just as he had left him. Doing paper work. 

A few minutes later, however, Quatre rose from his desk, stretched, and put his work away. He walked over to his bedroom door and locked it. _Now what is he doing?!_

Quatre glided over to his bed and pulled something out from under it. It was a…a big box. _Okay, that could be normal. Maybe he has a porn collection or something._ Duo kept trying to imagine all the things that could be contained within the box as Quatre continued to withdraw it. 

The blonde boy lifted the lid and inside were…_TEACUPS!?!_

Duo nearly yelled. _Quatre keeps a collection of TEACUPS?!?_ His eyes nearly popped out of his head. Quatre had every kind of teacup imaginable and in all the colors of the rainbow, not to mention one's with patterns on them. He pulled another box out from under his bed; this one contained some cleaning equipment. He proceeded to clean all of his teacups until they sparkled like new. 

Duo just shook his head and climbed back up onto the roof. "This night just keeps getting weirder and weirder," he mumbled as he positioned himself again, getting ready to take a quick look in Trowa's room. He sailed off the roof once more. 

Situating himself upright, he peered into the 03 pilot's room. He didn't expect to see what he did. Not in the least. 

There in the room was Trowa, with a rather large hairclip drawing his unibang out of his face. That was it. Duo couldn't handle it. 

"Oh man, Tro has TWO EYES!" he blurted out in complete shock. 

The braided pilot quickly moved to cover his mouth with his hands, afraid that his little escapade may be cut short by a very angry Trowa. Restraining his shock, he peered closer at Trowa and his many belongings scattered around him at his desk. 

Duo could see several newspaper and magazine articles thrown about on the desk, although he couldn't quite make out what the titles were. _Hmm...well, nothing too unusual here, aside from the fact that I've discovered the 8th wonder of the world: Trowa's other eye_ he chuckled to himself. 

He was about to hoist himself back to the roof and end his little game when the article Trowa was picking up to read was brought into Duo's full view. He almost fell off the rope for a second time that night. 

He was fast becoming tired of his eyes getting so wide every time he saw something new, but this one was a doozey. The magazine article was entitled "Genetics and Hair: Sometimes You Just Don't Have a Choice". 

Keeping his eyes wide to prevent the shock he knew was bound to follow, he quickly skimmed the other articles' titles: "Laser Hair Removal a Breakthrough Sucess", "Hairstyles of the Stars", "Freaks With Feelings: Hair Trauma Stories", "The Right Style for You"...the list just went on and on. _I guess Tro-chan really doesn't like having his hair in a unibang! Who woulda guessed..._

Just then, Duo's formerly cycloptic companion picked up a picture from the side of his desk and began conversing with it. Figuring he had come this far, Duo once again eased open the window to listen to what Trowa was saying. 

"Doshite, Tousan? Doshite? Why did I have to end up a freak like you! Damn you and your freakish hair! I almost took someone's eye out again today when I turned my head! Doshite, doshiteeee?!?!" Trowa wailed, beseeching the picture. 

If Duo's eyes could have possibly gotten any humanly wider, they would have. 

The picture featured a man who possessed very different facial features from Trowa. His hair was jet black and spiked way, way up, almost straight. He had a look of superiority settled on his countanance, and his unusually high forhead was unreal. He was wearing some kind of blue, spandex battle armor...and was that a brown, fuzzy tail waving around behind him?!* 

_What the Deathscythe Hell? I'm outta here! This may not have been such a good idea..._Duo thought as he scurried back up the rope and onto the roof. 

Loosening the rope around his waist, he slipped out of his equipment and made his way down the other side of the house and through the front door. 

To his complete shock (as if he hadn't gotten enough of it tonight) everyone was sitting around in the living room calmly watching TV._ Nani?! They were all upstairs just a few seconds ago!_

"Duo, what have you been doing all night?" Heero demanded of him in his usual monotone. The mischevious 02 pilot was never alone for extended periods of time like this unless he was up to something... 

Taken aback by the sudden question from the usually anti-social one of the group, Duo blushed uncontrollably in embarrassment as he cleared his throat several times. 

"We…Well, I... Now that is a secret!" he answered, putting up one finger in front of his mouth. 

In a sudden poof of purple smoke, a man with purple hair, a cape, and big staff stood in their living room. 

"Duo, I told you, that's my line!" 

Next thing the guys knew another puff of smoke appeared in the room. Kit-chan stood in the dispersing tendrils of smoke. 

"Xelloss, you're not supposed to be in this fic!" she exasperated, stomping her foot and then grabbing the 'mysterious priest' and dragging him off to an unknown place. There was major sweatdroppage from the group of Gundam boys. 

After that rather…interesting…turn of events, an idea suddenly popped into Duo's head. He bounded over to the couch where Heero was sitting, staring at him. He placed himself in-between the Wing Zero pilot and Wufei. 

"Well, first I sat down to watch the lastest episode of Sailor Moon S," he explained mischievously, looking right at Heero. 

The Wing pilot was taken aback by this unexpected comment and gave the Glare of Death to Duo. 

"And then, when that was over, I put on my pj's and watched Mulan. Ya know, they have some great songs in there. I also thought about redoing my room and making everything pink." 

Wufei looked up from his book and his eyes got as wide as dinner plates before narrowing to angry slits. 

"And then I thought I would make some tea, but I couldn't find a teacup that I liked. So, I thought Quatre could help me find one because he probably has hundreds of them under his bed." 

The Arabian choked on his mouth full of tea. 

"And then I thought it would be fun to sit in my room and curse my parents for giving me the awful hair they did." 

Trowa's usually emotionless façade was now glaring daggers at Duo. 

Duo looked around the room and studied his fellow pilots, warily taking in the situation. Evil glares resonated from each one of them. 

_Oi, this is not the night for my great ideas._

"Hehe, you know I was just kidding you guys. C'mon, I didn't mean it…" 

Duo slept with his windows boarded up and his door bolted shut for the next three weeks. After all, these were Gundam pilots he was dealing with, and when they get mad, they get even… 

**Owari** ( or is it...?)

* - the character that was in the picture Trowa was looking at was none other than his royal highenss...Vegita! (from Dragonball Z) 

~ Xellos is a character from Slayers Next and Slayers Try_ _

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   [1]: mailto:%20QuatreLuva@hotmail.com,%20DuoLuva@aol.com?subject=Duo's%20(Bad)%20Idea



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